Marrying Your Worst Enemy
by bloodsucking vampire girl
Summary: Sick of James and Snape's constant fighting, the teachers come up with a plan - they will create a friendship bond between the two! However, things don't go to plan: and now the two enemies are officially married to each other! NOT JP/SS!
1. Prolouge

****

Prolouge

"What are we going to do?"

McGonagall, making sure to lock the door of the room, turned around to face her colleagues.

All had looks of dispair on their faces.

"We...we can't let this go on any longer" Pomona Sprout said, her voice trembling slightly. "This absolutely cannot continue."

"But what can we do? It's not as if we can force them to be friends!" Flitwick pointed out. His small frame was trembling slightly and he sailed into the air as a particularly loud curse sounded from the other side of the door.

"This is chaos!" cried Slughorn, his eyes wide. "Absolute chaos! We need to stop those two boys before they hurt someone."

All four teachers winced as a pained cry sounded from the other side of the door.

"Mr. Potter and Mr. Snape have gone too far this time" McGonagall said, narrowing her eyes.

"Why are we hiding? We should be out there stopping this!" Pomona cried as another yell came from the outside.

"What good would it do? Those boys are far too involved in their fight to even notice us!" yelled McGonagall, trying to be heard over the sudden shrieks that had started.

"Oh my, oh my" Slughorn bounced from foot to foot, his eyes darting around nervously.

"If only those two could learn to get along!" yelled McGonagall. Then, almost as if a switch had been turn, four sets of eyes all lit up.

"Minerva what a wonderful idea!" Slughorn rumbled.

"Yes, yes" McGonagall said, nodding her head quickly. "But there is no way that would work - no force in this universe could possibly make those two friends..."

"Are you quite sure about that?"

The four of them turned to the door where Dumbledore was standing, his blue eyes twinkling merrily.

"SHUT THE DOOR!" The four teachers yelled, simultaneously, as a 'reducto' spell hit flew through the open doorway, shattering three tables.

All four winced.

Dumbledore complied, bolting the door behind him.

"I WANT MY MOMMY!" could be heard on the other side before the door closed.

"Now" Dumbledore said. "I suppose you want an explanation?"

He received four nods.

"Yes!" Sprout exclaimed. "How could you possibly make those two friends?"

Dumbledore's eyes - if possible - seemed to twinkle even more.

"A forced friendship bond."

There was a long pause. Then:

"Albus! We can't do that! It - it's not right!" McGonagall exclaimed.

"Neither is those two blowing apart the school" mumbled Slughorn.

"Now, now calm down" Dumbledore laughed. "It is only a temporary spell - it should give the boys just enough time to get to know each other well. And hopefully by the time it has worn of the two of them will have gotten to know each other well enough that these rivalries will be put in the past."

The four teachers stared at the headmaster for a moment.

"You really think that would work?" Sprout gazed at Dumbledore uncertainly.

"Why of course" Dumbledore replied, a smile spreading across his face. "At the very least they would have to create a truce at the end of this."

Smiles spread across the teacher's faces. This was perfect! Soon James Potter and Severus Snape would no longer be terrorizing the school with their intense rivalry.

Nothing could go wrong...right?

* * *

**AN:**

**I hope you enjoyed that. I'll try post again as soon as possible.**

**Review please!**

**XOXO - Natalie**


	2. The Spell Mishap

Flitwick twitched, a feeling of nervousness spreading through him.

He could see his targets perfectly, arguing (as usual) at the back of the room.

His hand moved towards his wand. He could not mess this up...everyone was counting on him.

Quietly, inconspicuously, he aimed his wand at the two and murmured the spell.

Immediately pink light enveloped the two enemies.

"Bloody hell! What is this?" he could hear James yelling.

"Potter! What did you do?" Severus looked furious, ready to throttle the other boy.

Flitwick felt a feeling of despair.

The light wasn't supposed to be pink! It had to be pale green! What if he'd messed things up? What if he had made the spell to strong or not strong enough?

Well it was too late to do anything about that now.

He could only watch as the marauders stormed away and Severus aimed his wand at their backs.

Yes, he'd messed something up badly.

* * *

"Man, what _was _that light?" Sirius muttered as he, James, Remus and Peter walked away from Snape.

"No clue" James mumbled. "But let me tell you it was _weird."_

"Weird how?" Peter piped, curiously.

James shuddered.

"Well - it sorta felt like...um..._Snivellus."_

This time his friends joined him as he shuddered.

"The most horrible thing to feel in the world" Sirius groaned.

Remus rolled his eyes.

"You shouldn't say things like that all the time" he said, shaking his head slowly.

Sirius raised one eyebrow.

"So your saying that you like the feel of Snivellus?"

Remus paused and turned slightly green.

"I never said that - _never."_

"Who do you think cast the spell?" James asked, breaking through the argument.

"I dunno" Sirius replied, shrugging his shoulders.

James frowned.

"You know I thought it might of been ol' Snivvly at the time but now that I think about it - well what could he possibly gain from having me know how he feels?"

The other three boys looked slightly green at the thought.

"You know what - don't answer that" James said looking rather green himself.

"So...should we get to class then?" Remus suggested after a moment.

"Transfiguration first" Peter piped up as the four boys headed of.

_

* * *

_

McGonagall sighed as she looked through the roll, ticking of the names as she went.

"Sirius Black?"

"Here Minne."

McGonagall scowled.

"Lily Evans?"

"Here Professor."

"Frank Longbottom?"

"Here."

"Remus Lupin?"

"Here."

"Peter Pettigrew?"

"Here."

"James - _what?"_

"I'm pretty sure my names James Potter Ma'am" James said, cheerily. For once McGonagall didn't tell him of for his backtalk. Because, James was right - his name _was _James Potter.

So why did the role say James Potter-Snape?

* * *

**AN:**

**Hope this was alright. Sorry it was so short - I couldn't think of much to write.**

**Hmm...you know while writing this I realised something - Sirus, Remus, Severus...they all end in 'us.'**

**And it's not just them! There's heaps of characters in the series like that - Regulus, Seamus, Charlus, Cygnus, Albus, Albus S.P, Filius, Lucius, Rodolphus, Argus, Billius, Ignatius...**

**...J.K Rowling really went 'us' crazy during the period of time she wrote the series.**

**Anyway, just thought I'd share that with you.**

**Review please!**

**XOXO - Nat**


	3. And So It Begins

McGonagall could only stare at Dumbledore in horror

"...What do you mean we got the spell wrong?" she whispered for the fifth time that day.

As soon as she had seen James' name on the roll she had known something was dreadfully wrong - this had been increased when she had saw Severus' name.

Severus Potter-Snape.

McGonagall had rushed out in the direction of Dumbledore's office, not stopping once.

Dumbledore had (not frowning once) called Flitwick into his office and asked for a summery of what had happened. And then the problem had been revealed.

It had been the wrong spell.

Not a friendship bond. Nothing close.

A _marriage bond._

"Oh it's all my fault" Flitwick whimpered.

"Now, now" Dumbledore soothed. "This isn't as bad as you think..."

"Albus!" McGonagall snapped. "How could you possibly say that? Two of our students are _married _and you should know that marriage bonds are permanant!"

Flitwick let out another whimper.

"Minerva that is true - however this is not your average marriage bond. I think we should count ourselves as lucky. The bond that Fillius has created is one of the more...defective ones."

"Defective?" McGonagall asked, confused.

"Defective" Dumbledore said, nodding his head. "It is one of the older bonds, before the spell had been enhanced. The creator realised his mistake later on - the spell was too strong and only lasted a short period of time..."

"Too strong?" McGonagall's voice sounded weak.

"Yes - and only lasted a short period of time" Dumbledore said.

McGonagall and Flitwick stared at him in confusion.

"But marriage bonds don't do that..." Flitwick started.

"As I said, defective" Dumbledore said, cutting him off.

"So...this will eventually wear of?" McGonagall asked, hopefully. Dumbledore nodded and smiled.

"Yes. I'd say in about one to two weeks."

Sighs of relief sounded around the room. Dumbledore then stood up.

"Now I think we should find Mr. Potter and Mr. Snape before..."

Just then the door burst open and Slughorn and Lily Evan's (who McGonagall had left in charge of the class while she was gone) came rushing in.

"Albus, Mr. Snape just collapsed in class!"

"Professor McGonagall, Potter just collapsed in class!"

There was a pause in which Slughorn and Lily gazed at each other in surprised. Dumbledore sighed.

"...that happens."

* * *

**AN:**

**Short, short I know! Sorry, sorry, sorry!**

**I swear that the next chapter will be longer! It's just...this was all I really wanted in this chapter and this is how I wanted it to end and changing it or adding more would ruin the ending...**

**Anyway, please review!**

**XOXO - Nat**


	4. Waking Up

James Potter sighed and opened his eyes. He felt exhausted and his head hurt - a closer inspection of his surroundings proved that he was in the hospital wing.

James frowned. He could not remember getting hurt. Had he been in another Quiddich accident? He strained his mind to remember.

A soft groan from behind him made him jump. He spun aroun - and screamed at the top of his lungs.

* * *

Outside the room, Dumbledore, was explaining the situation to a very horrified McGonagall and a very shocked Slughorn.

"You are telling me that the boys cannot wait within three meters of each other?" McGonagall asked, shocked.

"Ahh yes" Dumbledore said, nodding his head. "That is correct."

"B-but Marriage Bond's don't do that!" Slughorn protested.

"It's a deformed marriage bond" McGonagall stated, dryly.

Before anyone could answer, a scream sounded from inside the room.

"My guess is that the boys woke up" Dumbledore said.

He stood up straighter and headed inside the Hospital Wing.

* * *

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING SNAPE?" James was standing on the bed, his face red with rage.

"YOU THINK I KNOW?" Snape yelled back.

"YOU WERE ON MY BED!" James bellowed furiously.

"_YOU _WERE ON _MY _BED!" Snape retorted.

"WHATS THAT SUPPOSED-"

"Mr. Potter. Mr. Snape." The two boys spun around at the sound of Dumbledore's voice.

"Professor Dumbledore!" they said at the same time. "He was on my bed."

They pointed at each other, still glaring.

Dumbledore sighed.

"Ahh yes my boys..." Dumbledores voice trailed off. "About that..." he glanced at the two expectant faces and sighed. Better get it out sooner than later.

* * *

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE'RE OFFICIALLY MARRIED?"

"WHAT ARE YOU GOING ON ABOUT?"

Dumbledore sighed. For the second time that day a shouting match had begun between the two enemies.

_'At least they fight like a married couple' _Dumbledore thought, glancing at them in faint amusement.

This amusement disappeared when he saw the boys pointing their wands at each other.

"Accio Wands!" he yelled, grabbing them when they came flying at him He sighed.

_'Maybe not...'_

"It's exactly as it sounds, boys" Dumbledore said. "We - the teachers, I mean - decided to put a friendship bond between you two and things...went differently than we had planned, and well...you can see what the result was."

"Why were you even attempting to put a friendship bond on us?" James demanded, incredulously.

"Well, you two _were _tearing down the school with your constant arguments..."

"So you tried to put a friendship bond on us?"

Dumbledore sighed.

"Look Potter" Snape grumbled. "Stop acting like an idiot. Dumbledore said it should only last about a week or two - all we need to do is keep this a secret and stay the hell away from each other. Should be easy enough.

Dumbledore coughed.

"Yes, about that..."

* * *

Two first year students were passing the Hospital Wing, hurrying to get to their next class.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?"

They jumped at the sound of the yell coming from inside the room and hurried their pace.

"NOOO! YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!"

* * *

**AN:**

**Hope you enjoyed this. Sorry it took so long for me to update. I actually finished this over a week ago but my update button wouldn't work so I couldn't post the chapter.**

**Review please and tell me what your fav part was.**

**XOXO - Nat**


	5. Bedroom Blues

James stared around the open space, misery filling his gut.

Why?

He was in a medium sized bedroom. It looked alright and, in any other situation he would have reveled in the fact that he had his own private room.

However, the fact that he needed to share this room with Snape of all people got rid of any appeal.

The fact that there was only one bed in the room was also pretty horrifying.

"Potter" said a voice, filled with disgust. James spun around to see Snape lounging in the doorway, a scowl on his face.

James gritted his teeth. He couldn't stand the thought of having to spend 24 hours a day with Snivellus for a week (or, as much as he hated to think it, possibly more).

Snape walked in and dumped his bags on the bed.

"Get your slimy bag of my bed!" James exclaimed, angrily.

"It's _my _bed Potter" Snape retorted.

"Is not!" James protested, not caring about how much of a child he sounded like. "I got here first so it's mine."

"Potter! Shut up!"

"No you shut up!"

"I told you to shut up first!"

"Just get your bloody bag of my bed!"

"IT'S _MY _BED!"

"On the contrary gentlemen's, it's belongs to both of you."

Snape and James spun around. Standing in the doorway, clothed in periwinkle blue robes, was Professor Dumbledore.

"Hello" he greeted, walking over and taking a seat on the edge of the bed. Neither James nor Snape protested about him sitting on 'their' bed.

"I hope everything is going smoothly?" Dumbledore questioned. Snape and James gaped at him – did he really just ask that?

"Well –that's good. Lemon drop, boys?" He rummaged around in the pocket of his robes and pulled out a bag of the candy.

"No? Are you sure? They're very good – very well then" Dumbledore said after a moment of silence.

He popped one of the lemon drops into his mouth and sucked on it silently.

"Uh sir – is this really necessary?" James asked, uncertainly.

"Is what necessary?" Dumbledore questioned, finishing his candy and popping another one into his mouth.

"This…room. Can't we just sleep in our own dorms?"

Dumbledore swallowed his lemon drop and hesitated, looking at the bag.

"I really shouldn't…" he murmured but then shrugged his shoulders and popped one into his mouth anyway.

"Sir?"

"Ahh yes…well I suppose if you would prefer to sleep in your dorms you can go ahead and do so."

James and Snape sighed in relief.

"Thank you sir" Snape said, actually showing some emotion for once in his life – other than anger that was.

Dumbledore hummed and sucked on his candy as a reply.

"Well then – we'll be going then" James reached down to pick up his trunk.

"Yes, yes" Dumbledore said. "Now – will you be sleeping in the Slytherin dorms with Mr. Snape or will Mr. Snape be joining you in the Gryffindor dorms?"

Silence.

"Well?"

"Uh…sir" James choked out. "You mean to tell me that you expect Snape to share my dormitory with me?"

Dumbledore smiled.

"Of course not." Sighs of relief. "I expect him to share your bed with you."

Looks of horror.

"Sir!" Snape protested. "I really don't think – I can't sleep in the same room as Black!"

"Then Mr. Potter can join you in your room" Dumbledore replied.

"NO!" Snape and James yelled at the same time.

"You know what sir – I think I'll stick around in this room" James said, quickly.

"Likewise" Snape added.

"Good, good" Dumbledore said, standing up. "Now if there's anything you need, feel free to ask me or any of the other teachers."

He walked to the doorway.

Before he headed outside, he turned back to the boys.

"It will be time for lunch soon so you two might want to head down soon. As you do not seem to want to be around your housemates in your condition – if your aversion to sharing your dormitories was any clue – I will ask the house elves to prepare a special table for you."

He headed out the door.

"No! Sir you don't have to –" James started to yell but it was no use. Dumbledore had already left.

There was silence for a moment or two. Then:

"I blame you Potter."

* * *

The two boys walked silently to the great hall, not even looking at each other in fear of losing control and attacking.

They reached the Great Hall in no time at all and walked inside without a word.

James looked up and scanned the area, looking for this 'private table.'

He heard a gasp of horror from beside him that had come from Snape. Following the other boys line of vision he caught site of what was so horrifying.

He let out his own gasp of horror.

Positioned in the middle of the hall was a small, round table – their 'private' table. It was covered with a perfectly white cloth and had two dinner plates resting on either side of it. The eating utensils had been polished so much that they sparkled in the light that the candles – candles! – that had been placed on the table were emitting.

Basically, it looked like the perfect table set up for a first date.

Already people were pointing and glancing at it curiously. James knew that soon, he and Snape would be the center of attention.

He let out a small whimper.

* * *

**AN:**

**Hope you enjoyed that. Wow…two chapters up in one day… (I am talking about the chapter I posted on my story 'Truth or Dare').**

**Review please…and give me ideas for Snape/James scenes I can use later on in this fic.**

**XOXO – Nat.**


	6. Table For Two

James and Snape continued to gape at the small table in the middle of the hall, looks of horror adorning their faces.

"This must be some cruel joke..." Snape whispered out loud. For once James found himself agreeing with his worst enemy..._surely _Dumbledore couldn't have been this mistaken.

James met his Professor's eyes from across the hall. The elderly man smiled and gestured towards the cursed spot.

Apparently he could.

Mustering up the courage that Gryffindor House was famous for, James headed towards the table. He took a nervous seat down.

Snape didn't move from his spot at the doorway.

_'Fine by me' _James, thought, though no food appeared in front of him.

He frowned in confusion.

Suddenly there was the sound of hurried footsteps and Snape appeared in front of him, looking extremely flustered. Dumbledore was hot on his tail.

"It won't be so bad, boys" Dumbledore assured them, cheerfully, before heading back to the staff table.

"Old Coot said the food wouldn't appear until _both _of us were seated here" Snape muttered to his worst enemy. Almost as soon as he had said this, food began to appear.

James moved to serve himself some lunch, ignoring the whispers around him. Before he could, he was tapped on the shoulder.

"Prongs, what the _hell _are you doing?"

James sighed. Sirius. Wonderful.

"Nothing Padfoot" he muttered, unwilling to tell his best friend what was going on. It was so bloody embarrassing.

"If its nothing then why are you sitting with Snape of all people on a _private table? _Where'dya even get a private table? I'd love one of those." For a moment his eyes glinted with an odd light, but if was gone as soon as it came. "So why is Snivelus here?"

Snape scowled at his hated nickname. James frowned.

"Well...ugh...I'll tell you later."

"How about _now?" _Sirius retorted.

"Um...James it would be nice of you to tell us."

Great. Now Remus had joined in. Oh and Peter had just arrived too...fabulous.

"I'll tell you later" James insisted.

"But -"

"Would you leave me in peace!" roared Snape. "It's bad enough I'm married to Potter for the next week -"

_"WHAT?"_

James wasn't sure who had screamed - Remus, Sirius or Peter. Probably all of them.

For a moment after the outburst there was silence. It seemed no one knew quite what to say - then Sirius, turned on Snape, a look of rage on his face.

"How dare you long to be married to Prongs! He's too good for you!" he yelled. The hall, who had been waiting for something like this (stupid vultures, thought james) instantlyquietened down to listen.

"Black" Snape spat, as if saying the name was repulsive. "I do not _long _for Potter -"

"You make me sick" growled Sirius. "Wanting my best friend that way - what's wrong Snivvely do you dream of him at night? Do you think of him every moment of the day, having these sick little fantasies in your sick little mind? Do you -"

"Sirius" James said, looking repulsed. "Stop. Please."

Remus coughed.

"If I might say" he started. "I think there's something where missing here."

_"Thank you" _Snape sighed. _"Finally _some logic!" He paused. "Not that I'm complimenting you or anything Lupin."

"Of course not" Remus said, smoothly.

"So...why is Snape claiming to be married to James?" Peter asked.

The heat of three gazes were once again placed on the 'newly married couple.'

James sighed.

"Well my appetites already gone - thanks for that mate" he muttered, glancing in Sirius' direction. "So I s'pose I can tell you whats going on. Outside" he said the last part with a quick, pointed glance at the overly nosey occupants of the hall.

"But I haven't eaten dinner yet!" Peter protested. He wilted slightly when he was suddenly the focus for some very ferocious looks. "On second thought, I'm really not that hungry..."

"Then lets go" Snape replied. "Can't believe this...associating with the marauders...disgusting" he added, under his breath.

"He reminds me of Kreacher" Sirius muttered.

* * *

**AN:**

**How was that? Any good?**

**Review please.**

**XOXO - Natalie**


	7. Crazy Assumptions

James scowled as he headed over to the doorway of the hall.

This was turning out to be one of the worst days of his life. He briefly wondered if there was a chance that this could be a nightmare...this was dismissed as soon as he attempted to pinch himself and found that nothing happened.

"James? Causing yourself self-inflicted harm?" Sirius asked, breaking through his thoughts.

"Shut up" grumbled James. He was in no mood to talk to his best friend, who had been one of the main causes for his public humiliation. Because of the fact that he was glaring at the floor he didn't see the odd expression that passed over Sirius' face, nor the sudden panicked look that flashed in his eyes right after.

Remus, however, did see it.

"Uh-oh" he whispered. Sirius began to quicken his pace to the doors. Silently cursing, Remus followed him. A confused Peter repeated this action though had no idea why.

"What the hell - guys! Wait up!" James called when he realized that his friends were a far bit ahead of him. He quickened his pace - and then a wave of dizziness hit him.

"Wha - oh you have got to be kidding me!" he spun around and, sure enough, Snape was still at his spot at the table. Another wave of dizziness hit him making him squeeze his eyes shut and breeze heavily.

_Bloody Hell._

Gritting his teeth, James walked back to the table. He stood there, glaring, when he was right in front of Snape.

"Is there a reason specific reason for this or do you simply feel the need to stare at me?" Snape asked after a moment.

"You were meant to come along!" James snapped. Snape raised one eyebrow.

"I was going to. However, then your idiot friend insulted me and changed my mind."

"You've got to be kidding me!" James snarled.

Snape's answer was a simple, "no."

James, with a roar of rage, pulled back his fist to punch James - and ended up slamming it onto an invisible wall.

"Wha -" he muttered, staring at his fist in shock. Snape smirked.

"What did you do?" James roared.

"Gentleman, gentleman" somewhere during the fight Dumbledore had arrived. "This is all due to the marriage bond - settle down."

"What the hell sort of bond is this?" James bellowed. Snape's smirk was now gone and his face was dark.

"This is _ridiculous" _he spat.

"That may be so. However, there is nothing I can do about that - you boys will simply have to learn how to get along."

And just like that, he was gone.

"Senile. Old. Coot" James spat between gritted teeth. Snape's eyes widened in an uncharacteristic show of surprise.

"A member of Dumbledore's beloved little Quartet, insulting him?" his tone was mocking. James didn't take the bait - he simply shrugged.

"There was a time when I respected Dumbledore; however, that was before he decided to go and put a marriage bond on me, make me sleep with my worst enemy, publically humiliate me and make my best friend accuse my worst enemy of lusting for me which is completely - hey wait a second...where is Sirius? And Remus for that matter? _And _Peter_?"_

All three of them were gone.

* * *

Sirius had continued is walk until he was a fair distance away from the hall.

"Sirius!" yelled Remus. "What the hell was that about?"

"We...we missed dinner" Peter moaned.

"Oh, is that all you ever think about?" Sirius exclaimed, glaring at his friend. "Dinner, dinner, dinner...there are more important things! Like the fact that Snape is lusting after our best friend!"

Peter blanched.

"Snape's lusting after our best friend?" his voice was high-pitched and shocked.

"No! He isn't" Remus rounded on Sirius. "Padfoot, this is ridiculous. Snape has no feelings for James -"

"He does! He basically admitted to his fantasies of being married to him in the hall!"

"_No _Sirius, he didn't" Remus snapped. "He didn't say anything like that at all. Honestly, I worry about you - if these are the things you're hearing then maybe you should get checked out -"

"James is falling for his tricks!" Sirius bellowed. Peter gasped dramatically. Remus scowled.

"Alright that's it - your drunk aren't you?" he asked, through narrowed eyes.

"No! Why don't you believe me - you saw what happened in the hall! At first I thought, hey there's no way James will be dumb enough to fall for Snape's lies but then I saw the way he snapped at me in the hall - Snape is brainwashing him! Turning him against us!"

Remus slapped his forehead with his hand.

"Is that true?" Peter asked, his eyes still wide.

_"No" _Remus replied. "_None _of that is true - Sirius is delusional!"

Sirius didn't appear to have heard him.

"I always thought James loved Lily - however, now I see how wrong I really was. Our best friend must have always harbored feelings for Snape but hid them -"

"SIRIUS!"

Sirius shut up.

"Thank you" Remus said, taking a deep breath. "Are you done yet?"

Sirius shook his head.

"Your an idiot" was Remus' only reply to this.

"Your right" Sirius whispered, an odd look passing his face. "I _am _an idiot."

"I'm glad you've finally acknowledged this" Remus replied, calmly. Peter frowned.

"But Sirius isn't an idiot" he protested.

"Peter" Remus said in that same, pleasant tone. "Shut up."

The boy complied.

"How could I have accused my best mate of doing such vile things? What sort of friend am I?" Sirius whispered. Remus, looking exasperated, simply nodded his head.

"Yes, yes - I'm glad you're finally seeing sense."

"It's all Snape's fault!" Sirius announced. "James probably has no idea about the Slimy Gits feelings - but Snape is crazy for him. That's probably why he's always trying to push him around - he knows it's the closest thing to James' attention he'll ever get! Heck he probably sees 'Snivllelus' as an affectionate nickname! He probably feels horny every time James says it!"

"SIRIUS! SHUT UP!" Remus roared.

Sirius complied.

"I can't believe" Remus said, evenly. "That I actually thought you were beginning to see sense. You are insane. You _cannot _see sense! It doesn't exist for you! Why did I ever believe otherwise? Why?" Remus struggled to take a deep breath. "Alright. Alright. Sirius - are you done. Remember, I am a werewolf and turn into a rabid monster once a month so please, _please _say yes."

Sirius, his eyes wide with fear, nodded.

"Okay then. Now. Snape feels nothing - other than hatred that is - for James. James doesn't care for Snape at all. You have nothing to fear. Nothing at all."

Once again he nodded.

"Good" Remus said. "Now let's get back -"

"Are you insane?" Sirius squeaked. "We need to keep Snape away from James!"

"Siiiiiirrrriiiuuuusss" Sirius' name was dragged out, long and slow.

"You have to have noticed the signs Remus!" Sirius wailed. Closing his eyes and rubbing his temples, Remus sighed.

"If you're going to carry on with this stupid theory then fine. Go ahead. I, however, will be elsewhere." With that he spun around and marched down the hallway, his head held high.

"Where are you going?" Sirius called after him.

"Dinner" he called back.

"Oh! I'll come too!" Peter said, eagerly. He then wilted under Sirius' glare. "Or not..."

"You're staying with me Peter" Sirius said, casually. "We need to keep that Slimy Git from getting his slimy little hands off _our _friend."

"Of course" muttered Peter. "Of course."

* * *

**AN:**

**God Sirius, you can't help but stir up trouble where ever you go, can you? Poor James and Snape - another problem added to their mess!**

**I hope you enjoyed the chapter. Review please and tell me what you think. **

**XOXO - Natalie**


	8. Conspiring

"Bloody idiots!" James was _still _ranting. In fact, he had been for the past ten minutes. Snape sat lazily in his chair, eyeing the other boy with something akin to boredom.

"Yelling won't make them come back" he pointed out. "In fact I doubt anything less than you marching down there and dragging them back will."

"And what makes you think you know them so well?" James snapped, venomously.

"Easy - their Marauders" Snape replied, unaffected by his tone.

A second later the doors of the Great Hall banged open and Remus marched in, anger burning in his eyes.

"Remus!" James shouted, relieved. "I knew my friends hadn't completely abandoned me!"

"Sirius is a bloody idiot" was Remus' only answer. He then threw himself into James' chair and piled up food on James' plate before proceeding to stuff himself. James frowned.

"That's my seat, my plate and _my _food!"

"Too bad" Remus spat. "I just had to endure ten minutes worth of Sirius' ranting, listening him going on about Snape lusting for you and you giving Snape affectionate nicknames and Snape feeling horny...forgive me if I am acting a little bit out of character!"

James and Snape stared at him in horror. Remus ignored their looks and went back to his (stolen) meal.

"...That is the most horrifying thing I have ever heard" Snape whispered after a moment.

"I agree" James whispered back.

* * *

Sirius and Peter had headed for the Common Room and had gone straight up to their dormitory. Peter was still complaining.

"...I still don't see why we need to do this!"

"PETER! For the millionth time, we need to keep James and Snape apart before Snape gets to our best friend and they end up...married or something!" Sirius snapped, flinging his arms in the air at the last bit.

"I thought they were married" Peter said, scratching his head dumbly. "That's what Snape said."

Sirius paled but then said quickly; "Snape was lying. He and James aren't married and, if I have anything to say about it, they never will be!"

"How do you know?"

"Did you see any rings?" Sirius retorted. Peter frowned and shook his head. "There you go."

"But...what are we going to do?" Peter asked. "Though I still think this is unnecessary - James hates Snivellus!"

"Peter" Sirius said, glaring. "Stop thinking for yourself."

Peter's jaw snapped shut.

"Good, good" Sirius said, looking pleased. Seeing the hurt expression on Peter's face he sighed, rolling his eyes.

"I was only kidding Wormtail."

Peter's face cleared.

"Oh" he said.

"Now" Sirius walked into the room and fished around in his trunk before pulling out a large black chalkboard. "Planning time!"

* * *

Snape, James and Remus headed towards James and Snape's new aboard.

"Lupin" Snape spat though gritted teeth; he was clearly irritated. "Why are you following us?"

"I'm not going back to my dorm" Remus snapped. "Sirius and Peter are there."

"Was it really that bad?" James asked, frowning slightly. "I mean, you sure you aren't exaggerating things?"

"Would you like me to recount every single thing he told me? Because if you wish to be scarred for life then I will!"

"No, no" James replied, quickly. "It's fine - really."

"Can I share a room with you?" Remus asked, hopefully. "I don't think I can put up with Sirius tonight."

Snape looked like he had swallowed something sour.

"There's only one bed" was James' stiff reply.

"Only one - oh" Remus' face coloured slightly as he glanced between the two. James flushed while Snape seemed to go green.

"Lupin!" he roared. "Get your mind out of the gutter!"

"Oh course" Remus replied. "You know - sharing a room with Sirius won't be so bad after all. Goodnight."

He was then gone. James stared after him, looking miserable.

"In other word 'not as bad as sharing with you two'" he whispered, mournfully.

* * *

Remus headed up to his dorm and opened the door, walking inside. He was greeted with the site of Sirius and Peter whispering conspiringly, writing something on a chalkboard.

"What are you doing? Not going on about those stupid theories again, I hope?"

Sirius and Peter both whirled around at the same time, both looking like deer caught in headlights. Remus caught a brief glance of the words 'Rope' and 'Toilets' written on the board before it was spun around to the other side.

"Fancy a game of tick tack toe?" Sirius suggested, smiling sheepishly.

"No thanks. I think I'll go to sleep. You two go back to conspiring - oh sorry, I mean _playing tick tack toe!"_

Storming over to his bed, he flung open the curtains, climbed inside, and then drew the curtain's shut just as violently. The words 'idiots' and 'won't end well' could be heard coming from inside.

* * *

**AN:**

**Was this any good? I hope you liked it - please check out my new fic 'Hey! That's My Line!'**

**Review please and tell me what your favourite part was!**

**XOXO - Natalie.**


	9. Arguments and Coffee

An hour had passed.

Neither Snape nor James had moved even an inch in all that time. Both boys stood on either side of the bed, refusing to budge. James' eyes were flickering from the bed to Snape, then back again. Snape's eyes were doing the same thing.

This was going to be a long night.

* * *

Back in the Gryffindor Dorms, Sirius and Peter still hadn't come up with a good plan yet. This was mainly because every time Sirius came up with a good idea (his definition of good that is) a soft growling noise would come from the inside of Remus' bunk, making the other boy pale dramatically and quickly say "or maybe not."

"Maybe we can cast a repelling charm on them."

Another growl sounded. Sirius gulped and inched away slowly. "Or, you know what - how about, no? It was a lame idea anyway..." he voice trailed off nervously, and he gazed towards Remus' bed. He relaxed when all he received in answer was silence.

"Uh..." Sirius gulped. "Hey Wormtail - why don't you give me some of your ideas?" He turned around to beam at Peter, but as soon as he saw the other boy his smile faded into a look of disbelief.

Peter was asleep, snoring softly with drool pooling down from the corner of his mouth.

"Godammit" Sirius snarled.

* * *

The next morning, a very irate Remus stormed into James and Snape's room.

"That stupid -" whatever he had been about to say cut of abruptly and he stared. "Why are you sleeping on the floor?"

James mumbled something and pulled himself off the floor.

"Gah - Remus? Whatcha doin' 'ere?" his voice had a distinct slur to it; he was obviously not completely awake.

"I came to see you!" the werewolf snapped. "I cannot take much more of Sirius - but enough said on that matter. Why are you sleeping on the floor?"

"I wasn't going to share a bed with _him!" _James snapped, though his eyes shifted slightly as he said this, proving that he wasn't giving the entire story.

"You're leaving something out, aren't you?" Remus asked, raising one eyebrow.

James shifted slightly.

_*FLASHBACK*_

_James and Snape stood on either side of the bed, refusing to budge. _

_"I'm not sleeping on that bed if you are" James growled._

_"Well I'm not sleeping on that bed if YOU are!" Snape snapped._

_"Well I'm not sleeping on that bed if YOU are!" James retorted._

_"Well I'm not -"_

_*FOUR HOURS LATER*_

_"Well...I'm...not...sleeping...on...that...bed...if...YOU...are..." Snape's eyes drooped as he struggled to speak._

_"Well...I'm...not...eating..."_

_"Sleeping" Snape corrected._

_"Sleeping" James said, backtracking. "On...that...bed...if..."_

_He collapsed where he stood, too exhausted to stand up any longer. Snape smirked._

_"The...bed...is...mine..." he said, taking a shaky step towards it, a victorious smile on his face._

_He collapsed before he could reach his 'prize.'_

_*FLASHBACK OVER*_

"Of course I'm not leaving anything out" James said, smoothly. "How could you accuse me of doing such vile things?"

"James..."

"I told you already - I didn't want to share a bed with him!"

"Well Sirius will be glad about that" Remus said, his voice laced with sarcasm.

"Eh?" James said, blinking. "Why's that?" Before Remus could answer there was an enraged shriek.

"LUPIN!" roared Snape, sitting up abruptly. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"Nice hair, Snape" James sneered.

"POTTER!"

Remus sighed and rubbed his forehead.

"Why did I even come here - their no better than Sirius..." he muttered, heading out the door.

"Oi! Moony, where you going?" James called after him.

"Well, if I had my way I'd be far away from all the insane people in the world" Remus replied, warily. "Unfortunately, it seems I am doomed to be surrounded by them...forever..." he shuddered softly and left the room.

* * *

Peter woke up, his eyes bleary from sleep.

"Wha -" he let out a cry of shock when he fully regained his vision and saw what was in front of him.

Sirius' face.

The other boy stood in front of him, arms crossed over his chest, scowling.

"Sirius" Peter looked at him nervously. "What's wrong?"

"Do you really want to know what's wrong?"

Peter nodded.

"What's wrong" Sirius spat out. "Is that you FELL ASLEEP while we were coming up with GOOD PLANS in order to KEEP OUR BEST MATE SAFE FROM HIS NEW (OR WHO KNOWS, PERHAPS NOT SO NEW) SLIMY STALKER!"

Peter flinched.

"I'm sure it's not so bad..." he said, trying to sound placating. Sirius slammed his fist above Peter's head, making the other boy flinch again.

"GODAMMIT, IT IS _SO BAD!"_

Peter gulped.

"Now Peter" Sirius sat down in front of him and the furious look on his face was replaced with a much, _much _calmer one. "We really need to plan this thing. It is our most important project - more important than any of the pranks we have ever come up with in the past."

He leaned in closer and his face darkened slightly.

"You see Peter - our best mate is being stalked. By a Slytherin - which is bad as it is but that Slytherin happens to be _Snivellus. _Now Peter, we can't allow anything to happen between them. It would ruin us...but more importantly (because we certainly aren't selfish) it would ruin James."

Sirius leaned in even closer, so close that Peter could feel his breath on his skin.

"We will be spending the day planning Peter; and I mean the whole day. No breakfast. No classes. No lunch. No dinner. No recess. _No bedtime!" _

Sirius was now so close that his nose was pressed against Peters.

Peter swallowed and backed away slightly.

"But...we'll get in trouble!" Peter protested. "We can't skip classes!"

"What they don't know won't hurt them" Sirius replied, offhandedly.

"We...we can't not eat! We'll starve!"

"You can go one day without food" was Sirius' calm retort.

"...We can't not sleep!" Peter was now grasping at the straws. "I'll fall asleep anyway, just like yesterday!"

Sirius smiled, eerily and pulled out a box from behind him, setting it down on the floor.

"I thought of that" he said, softly. "So I made a trip to the kitchens while you were asleep...Peter...do you like coffee?"

"Err..." Peter shuffled slightly. "No not really...I think it tastes bad..."

"Oh _do you?"_

Peter bit his lip and nodded. Sirius smirked.

"Well too bad. Because your drinking all of this" he opened the box to reveal plastic cup upon plastic cup of coffee. Peters eyes bulged.

"Sirius, I don't think -" he began.

"Drink up Peter" Sirius slammed the first cup against the other boys lips. Peter gagged as the bitter liquid filled his throat. "And there's more - _much more _- where that came from."

* * *

**AN:**

**School started today *sighs* goodbye holidays…**

**...Anyways, review! Also check out my new one-shot 'The best way to cure a bad day.'**

**XOXO - Nat**


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